Seven Reasons Why I’m In A Really Bad Mood

1. I keep being told how exciting it is that Cheryl Cole is apparently going to Los Angeles. I’m not excited. I would be relieved if she was going, having promised to make no further contributions to British public life, with the possible exception of an apology, but not especially excited.

2. At least two dozen people died at the weekend when a mudslide buried a village in Colombia. Precisely nobody real died or was even injured in a faked tram accident on all-good-things-must-come-to-an-end-but-soap-operas-go-on-forever Coronation Street. Which do you suppose has got the most attention from the British media?

3. I keep having to mute the TV whenever the adverts come on in case I should happen to see one for Iceland. Have the Estate of Marc Bolan taken leave of their senses? Do they honestly think Bolan himself, were he still with us, would be cool with one of the greatest guitar riffs to come out of glam rock being used to sell Yorkshire puddings and cocktail sausages?

4. TV Christmas advertising in general. (Except for the trailers for A Christmas Carol, obviously – BBC1, 6pm Christmas Day, in case you hadn’t heard.)

5. Machete is still not showing in Oxford. And hardly anywhere else now, either, dammit. This is a movie featuring Michelle Rodriguez, in which Danny Trejo and Steven Seagal have a sword fight. (It’s a Steven Seagal movie that’s actually got a theatrical release, come to that.) Don’t tell me there’s no demand for it. How can there only be about eight prints in the whole of the UK? Surely the googolplexes can cut down Harry Potter to only fifteen showings a day and allow a few other films a chance?

6. Ann Widdecombe voted off Strictly. Yes, I know this is probably the only time in my entire life I’ll ever want a Tory to win the popular vote, but even so. I even found myself agreeing with the Daily Mail the other day when it said ‘when five boring old decent dancers appear next weekend I’ll feel a bit of a pang’. Damn straight.

7. This rant doesn’t seem to be doing much to shift my writer’s block, which just makes me even more annoyed.

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Idiot Box Listings for the evening of November 11th 2010…

Listings info derived from tvguide.co.uk that stuck me as remarkable for various reasons.

Doctor Who (BBC3, 7pm)

The Sound of Drums Part one of two. The Master seizes his opportunity to begin a reign of terror on Earth, becoming prime minister under the pseudonym Harry Saxon and announcing mankind has made contact with an alien race called the Toclafane. Guest starring John Simm, McFly, Sharon Osbourne and Ann Widdecombe. 

 

I mention this rather obvious choice simply to say that, had I read this at any time prior to about 2005, my head would probably have exploded. Mainly because of the last sentence.

 

A One Night Stand with Pixie Lott (ITV2, 9pm)

The singer performs a selection of hits and new tracks, including Mama Do (Uh Oh, Uh Oh), Cry Me Out, Turn It Up and Broken Arrow, and a cover of Kings Of Leon’s Use Somebody. She also sings a medley featuring Last Nite by the Strokes, Black Eyed Peas’ Meet Me Halfway, You Were Young by the Killers and her own Boys and Girls. 

When I first saw this advertised I thought it was a special offer, or possibly a fly-on-the-wall documentary. As it is had I tuned in I would probably have been very disappointed. Damn you, ITV2, for your misleadingly prurient programme titling policy.

 

Jaguar Adventure with Nigel Marven (Channel 5, 7.30pm)

The naturalist swims among Brazil’s spectacular aquatic life, a paradise of tropical fish. After watching giant otters up to two metres in length hunt for food, he follows a female jaguar for a whole afternoon as she searches the riverbank for a meal and plays with a discarded beer bottle. 

Surely giving away the exciting climax in the listing qualifies as a spoiler? Anyway, I suspect the female jaguar may have spent all afternoon looking for food because all the food was frightened off by the man in shorts shouting in a monotone that was following her around. (I thought Nigel Marven got eaten by a giganotosaurus last spring, but clearly I was wrong.) As it is, if playing with a discarded beer bottle counts as an adventure I’m glad I’m not a jaguar.

Nigel Marven being eaten by a giganotosaurus. Not a very good picture, but it always cheers me up.

Eurotrash: The Sexy Bits (Channel One, 11.30pm)

A visit to a town that banned plastic surgery. 

Mmm, that does sound erotically enticing – sagging, leathery skin and wobbling dewlaps as far as the eye can see… excuse me, I need a moment here. From what I recall of Eurotrash, it was nothing but sex most of the time, so why they’ve bothered to retitle it I don’t know. Oh, hang on, this time it’s an accurately prurient programme titling policy, it’s just the channel that has a daft name…

 

Kara Tointon: Don’t Call Me Stupid (BBC3, 9pm)

The actress and Strictly Come Dancing contestant discusses her personal battle with dyslexia, assessing how the condition defines her and shapes her day-to-day life. As she sets out to undergo tests and receive specialist help, Kara asks whether she can ever stop it from holding her back, and meets other dyslexics, who reveal the impact of the much-misunderstood condition.

Kara, love. You’ve been in EastEnders. You’ve been in FHM. You’re the face of a lingerie brand (not that I’ve Googled for images, or anything) even if it is for Asda. You’re currently hanging in there on Strictly, though obviously Widdy’s going to outlast you. Just how exactly do you feel dyslexia is holding you back? Tell you what, you stop asking damn silly questions just to get your own documentary, and then I’ll stop calling you stupid.

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