Three-way bad day for S.J., I say.

It is with a somewhat heavy heart that I have to report that, for the second year in a row, the fifth-story slot in the current season of SJA has been reserved for a crappun. (Crappun is a technical critic-type word used to refer to something which is, erm, a crap one.) Seasoned masochists may recall that I was not especially kind about The Vault of Secrets, earlier in the run, on the grounds that it was a bit too kids’ TV-ish. I am going to be very unkind about Lost in Time, not because it looks like kid’s TV, but because it genuinely is Bad TV.

Before we really put the boot in, I will try to soften the blow by saying it was fairly well directed and there were very agreeable guest performances from Amber Beattie, Tom Wlaschiha, and Gwyneth Keyworth. The regulars did their usual sterling stuff as well.

But, oh dear me, the plot… Or should I say the plot devices, which were basically what we had instead. A mysterious unexplained character with magical powers (Cyril Nri), who spent a lot of time talking to a parrot to disguise the fact he was just delivering exposition when he was alone in a scene, lured the gang to his shop so he could pack them off in search of three plot coupons which apparently had the potential to upset Earth’s history. This allowed them to participate in low-budget pastiches of The Others, Went The Day Well? (or The Eagle Has Landed, depending on your taste), and a non-descript costume drama.

None of these were actually bad – although the Lady Jane Grey one peaked about halfway through and basically fizzled out in the second episode – but they did have to play out from beginning to end in the space of about fifteen minutes each and all seemed rather underdeveloped as a result. (The climax of Lis Sladen’s subplot even had the temerity to rip off Blink, which is surely a liberty too far.) The main problem for me was that the frame of the whole story just seemed slapped together – who was the guy packing them off on their travels? How exactly did the plot coupons wind up lodged in Earth’s history? Were the coupons connected to each other beyond being made of the same stuff? Why did they have to be retrieved from the present day at this particular time? There were numerous attempts to ramp up the suspense level through the invention of arbitrary rules regarding the magic time-travelling powers of Nri’s character, but I don’t think even the youngest and dewiest-eyed viewers will have been particularly impressed.

'All right, we'll take it in turns to stab the costume designer.'

On the other hand, this story really does settle the dating issue for SJA, not that there was really much doubt left: the newspaper clipping Sarah was carrying was dated November the 23rd (cute) 2010. The series is now set in the year it’s broadcast, much as the parent show is – the present day for the show is the same as it is for the audience.

Well, I still think there’s a problem here. We know Rose is set in 2005, which means most of Series One’s present day is 2006, and the Christmas shows establish that Series Two’s present day is 2007, Three’s is 2008, and – unfortunately for The Waters of Mars’ faux-history – Four’s is 2009. The date of Amy’s wedding establishes Series Five is based out of 2010. It is, I suppose, possible that Series Four plays out in the early part of 2009, giving time for the events of The End of Time (Donna’s engagement, etc) to be set up. (Planet of the Dead could happen during Season Four, chronologically, or maybe even in 2010.)

We also have the challenge of squeezing the main events of Torchwood: Children of Earth into the gap between the climax of Series Four and The End of Time – the fact that there those events take place over six months really does force Series Four into the early part of 2009. (But, oh dear, I’ve just remembered that Clyde’s dad in Series Two of SJA (set, according to our current scheme, in 2008) remembers the Dalek invasion from early 2009.)

Well, if the continuity doesn’t hang together, then neither does the plot of Lost in Time. The former doesn’t really matter – trying to come up with horribly convoluted fixes for this kind of problem is part of the fun of being a fan. The latter does matter, because stories and storytelling are the bricks and mortar of this show and all the others. SJA is usually really good. But this wasn’t.